Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dear Gwyneth

Apple
My daughter modeling "Apple". Other designs available here.

Dear Gwyneth,

I was recently in line at the check out at Safeway when I saw you on the cover of Vogue so I skimmed the article. It wasn't a long line. But I was happy to see we have so much in common girl!  Besides being smokin' hot in our mid-thirties and Jewish, we're both from southern California. We both write blogs. We both have two kids who are basically the same ages. Except my oldest is a boy and the little one is a girl. Your daughter is named Apple and one of my most popular card/iron-transfer designs is called Apple! We both married foreigners. Your husband probably never watched Cheers or Family Ties either. So weird, I know. Both of our dads are from New York and went to Tulane. My dad became a doctor and your dad produced a show about a hospital! Uncanny! And unfortunately they both died of cancer before they knew their grand kids. I think about that one a lot. I'm guessing you do too.

And then there's the fact that we're both world renowned, award-winning artists. I mean, you won that Oscar. Remember? You cried like a crazy person in a poofy pink dress? And I recently won Best Jewish Artisan in the East Bay (of California) for the J Weekly Reader's Choice issue. So we both know how hard it is to deal with the pressure to always be awesome. Just the other day I had a big order but I forgot to save something on my computer and I closed the file by mistake and then I ran out of photo magenta ink and the neighbor's washing machine flooded and leaked into our garage, since it's attached to theirs, and got my museum etching paper wet, and I thought I can't let down my fans! All 288 of them on Facebook. 

Not to mention the paparazzi. It's no wonder you moved to London honey. I mean the constant phone calls, the random strangers who come to my door (selling vacuum cleaners). Can't a famous artist get some privacy?

Anyway, we are obviously kindred spirits Gwyn. In fact, when they make a movie of my life it only makes sense that you should play me. And vice versa. (here's where we do a pinky swear). Even though Winona Ryder would probably be a better choice since we have that brown pixie hair thing in common. You can just wear a wig.

In sisterhood,
Susie

16 comments:

Liv @ Choosing Beauty said...

OMG. If I laugh any harder, I will wake up my kids or pee my pants or both. You are brilliant.

RookieMom Whitney said...

Laughing. I love it!

Inner Toddler said...

gifted maybe. but brilliant Liv? come on. *blush*

Everything's Rosie said...

Your friend, Renee, would have laughed her head off if she could have read this blog. This would've been right up her alley. May she rest in peace as well as dad. Your blog is great!

pixie said...

LOVE IT! LOVE you...

curly girl said...

I. LOVE. THIS. Amazing and funny!

aimee said...

your hilarious label reminded me of that trashy mag US - i think that's the one - where they have the regular column titled "stars - they're just like us!" that features most unflattering pics of celebs tugging at their underwear, guzzling a slurpee, wiping their kids' noses or prowling the bargain racks at target...

Lori said...

I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of a really super crazy funny response like you (because I want to be like you and have Gwyn as my soul sister) but alas. All I can think of is "OMG you are SO funny!"

Because you are. So funny.

PennyAdine said...

When they make that movie about your life, can I play the role of your crazy, neurotic cousin who laughed hysterically with you all the way through Bird-in-hand, Blueball, and Intercourse, PA?

Can't wait to see you!

Inner Toddler said...

Aimee - I totally tagged it because of the US mag section! so funny.

Inner Toddler said...

Pen - I think Julia Roberts should play you. she could straighten her hair.

AG Ambroult said...

Wow. You pretty much ARE Gwyneth. I bet your hubby is a total rock star, too, Susie...

(sorry your neighbor's leak ruined your paper. At least it couldn't get to the Murphy bed.)

Anonymous said...

Cuanto te adoro!!!
-Rebeca

~Valentina~ said...

Ohh.. You're the best! This is sooo funny :) love it.

no way said...

Ha! This is a great one! I once commented to my (outspoken) sister that I liked Gwyneth Paltrow, and she said "Yuck. She would never be friends with you in real life." We laughed and laughed. I like to think it was a comment on Gwyneth rather than me. (I hope!)

As always, love your writing and your art. The piece in the post below is absolutely beautiful.

TheRustyMailbox said...

I always know I'm in for a laugh when I check in on your blog...you've got some serious skills!