Thursday, November 5, 2009

Dear Home,

I don't know how to bring this up without sounding overly sensitive or confrontational. So I'll just put it out there. Are you mad at me? Did I offend you in some way? Are you not happy with the rain gutters or the color we painted the kitchen door? I'm only asking because I can't figure out why you keep taking my stuff and hiding it. Like my keys this morning. I took the keys to open my trunk and get the kids' lunchboxes still sitting there from yesterday so the Mr. could make their lunches and I could leave for work. I brought the lunches in, grabbed my purse and then couldn't find the keys. So I spent the next ten minutes looking all around the house and they were no where. What gives? And this isn't the first time you've taken our keys. What about when our daughter was born and you lifted both my set and my husband's set within a one week span? Do you know how much those goddamn electronic keys cost? Like $150 smacks. So for the next year we measured everything in VW keys. The plane ticket was two VW keys...And then what about my badge for work? I've been there less than two weeks and I already need to ask for a replacement? So I need that back. And also my favorite scarf. The one I've slept with every night since I bought it in on the street in Chile in 1996. The one my kids call softie because it has reached a level of softness unparalleled in the garment manufacturing industry. We can talk about why a 36 year old sleeps with a scarf later. After I get the scarf back. And as long as I have you on the horn, I'm not thrilled with the ants. Or that nail that keeps coming up in the dining room floor, that I have snagged my big toe on seven hundred and twenty-one times, even though I bang it back in every four months. And the way you've started piling up little stacks of papers and legos and cars and small socks and magnets in every corner of you. Every friggin' corner! It's enough already! Put your crap back where it belongs! Including the etch-a-sketch that's on my bedside table. And then give me back the keys.

Sincerely,
Susie

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ryme really rorry!
I hope your home returns everything it's borrowed or hidden from you without even asking your permission.
You deserve better.


everything's rosie

Mook said...

It's all because you didn't move the Mezuza to the right side of the door as you were told to do by God's angle the carpet cleaner.

Lori said...

Oh the NERVE!

passionate wellness seeker said...

hey susie...you dont know me.i am new to your blog..i jant want to let you know that i was really tired and low today after a major cleaning project and happend to stumble on your blog and it made me happy :-) i feel the same earthy warm tone in your blogs a thats typically a virgo trait...

aimee said...

your poor house, which has taken a load of heat here, is not the responsible party. it's the 'stuff troll', which prowls your house, invisible to you, and swipes your stuff the minute you put it down. ten percent of it might surface. the rest you'll never find. but at least now you know the truth. i recommend apologizing to your house before it makes your water main burst in retribution.

Inner Toddler said...

this may have something to do with the stuff troll. but we still think it's the curse of the lefty mezuzah...

Inner Toddler said...

update! the house has returned my badge and keys. but is holding out on the scarf. bastard.

Cate said...

the fairies? they are always taking things. maybe they're in cahoots with your home?

Renee said...

I think I need to write a dear home letter too.

xoxoxo

Kate England | Marmalade Moon said...

Thank you for a good laugh! How well written! Hope your house behaves better in future!

jacqueline said...

This made me smile...such a lovely letter to the Home. I am so happy that it finally return the badge and keys! Perhaps it will let go of the scarf soon. :) Thank you so much for sharing this with us...for i brought my spirit back up a little after being sick, depress and sad. Have a lovely merry happy day and love to you!

trinsch said...

omg, i think my house must have read the same how-to-get-them-out-of-their-minds book. especially the ants. and the piles and piles of stuff including the dirty clothes piles . and the dust balls we have to endure, i tell you... not to mention the final drop where we had to put our feet down, call for a time-out and say enough: if you ever ever again let rats in to the roof, we're out! for good!

maybe i need to check the mezuzas...
thanks for visiting my blog :) i am curious - pls do tell me where did you live in israel?