Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Pondsi scheme for the masses


I have OK skin. My skin was never notably fabulous but it's fairly typical, especially from a distance. Up close is a different story. It's bumpy and blotchy and dry and porous, enough so that over the years I have spent a goodly amount of time and money on scrubs, cleansers, creams, masks, facials and medication, from organic to toxic and everything in between.

In the end I found that birth control pills were the only thing that really cleared up my skin. And I have been on them for a hundred years. But then it was time to get pregnant and be pregnant so my skin got a little out of hand and I was back to three step cleanses and spot treatments and 2% of this gel and 5% of that gel. This has gone on for so long that I now have pimples AND wrinkles. Sometimes one inside the other.  It just seems that I should have one or the other but not both. I mean come on GOD. There is a season - turn turn turn!

And then two weeks ago I had a dream about my Papa Benny who's been dead nearly 25 years. And in the dream he said one word. Pond's. Pond's? I woke up remembering that my mom once told me that he'd always said there was no point in buying all of the other cleanser garbage because it was all made of the same stuff as Pond's cold cream and Pond's was cheaper. It is unclear why he had an opinion about this since he was a gangster. Although my grandmother was a showgirl so maybe he knew this from her. Anyway, the next day, during a fact finding mission, I discovered that Pond's is pretty much the cheapest thing you can buy at the drugstore. And there are like seven ingredients, none of which are parabens.

So I bought it and do you know what? It's like a little jar of magic. It turns out my skin and the rest of me is seriously dehydrated which I know because at my last ultrasound I drank 20 ounces of water and even that was not enough to fill my bladder and thus tilt my uterus for better viewing. The water got absorbed everywhere else before it could reach my bladder because I am a walking Sahara Desert. Here I had been scrubbing the crap out of my skin all of these years making it dryer and more irritated when all I needed to do was drink some water and slather on some Pond's. The zits are actually softening up and filling in the wrinkles! It's like my own brand of Botox! And people have commented! Though they naturally assume it's the pregnancy glow. But they are wrong! It's the Pond's! So god bless Unilever and Papa Benny. I can now declare puberty over and hang tight for peri-menopause.

Coincidentally Rookie Moms are also talking about lotions and potions, but for the very pre-pubescent. Just wait kids. You're in for a treat in another few years...

14 comments:

aimee said...

thank heavens for papa benny! gotta try me some pond's. does it stink? some of that drugstore stuff smells like old ladies.

Inner Toddler said...

It totally smells like old ladies. I've reconciled this one negative feature.

PennyAdine said...

Schma used it 'til the day she died. She claimed it took off all make-up in a single wipe, and was great for her skin!

Inner Toddler said...

It totally made those little bumps we talked about go away. And Aunt Carol had beautiful supple skin. see? the elders know.

Everything's Rosie said...

Hate to burst your bubble; it was papa Harry who told all of us that because he was in the Beauty Supply business. But yes, grammy used Ponds her entire life and swore by it. Maybe I'll get me some Ponds. It'll be like having grammy back in my life again.

painted fish studio said...

omg, you should see the potions in my medicine cabinet. i have serums, toners, astringents, 4 different cleansers, scrubs... one jar of moisterizer was 75 f-ing dollars! i bought it after a facial and didn't even look to see the price. and to think that all i need is ponds? arg. i am an idiot. but sometimes it all makes me feel pretty, so if that's what it takes...

nope. i am still an idiot.

Lori said...

I am going to buy THE PONDS pronto. Yes I am.

Leaves and Feathers said...

OK, laughing so much at this. I can fully relate to the whole skin thing, it is just not fair and I am going to go out an buy some Ponds now too, its worth trying! I really think there is something to being dehydrated and not realizing how much that effects the entire body...especially in winter.

Naomi Broudo said...

You are one smart cookie! I have all the same problems—ponds here I come! (My mom swore by Oil of Olay but it must not be as good!)

Liv @ Choosing Beauty said...

That's so funny! My mom and grandma have always insisted on Pond's, too. I use the Pond's makeup remover wipes. I don't know if that counts. But now I feel like maybe I should just get the goop because I've been breaking out like a greasy 13-year-old. When will it end!?

Inner Toddler said...

The pond's is still doing it's thing. I think if my skin were greasy though, I might reconsider. It's kind of like putting butter on your face. Mmm...butter...

But for dry skin it is KILLING it. Love this shit.

AG Ambroult said...

well you're going to have to revisit your papa and thank him. And while you're at it, would you be a love, and ask him WHO is going to employ my husband.
I recently read a funny post about the unfairness of having zits AND wrinkles at the same time:
http://ourgirljane.blogspot.com/2010/10/oh-no-she-dint.html

tia said...

I'm sold -- I'm totally trying Pond's. I mean, it can hardly get worse (I'm sporting a beauty of a zit even as I type). Plus, it has the endorsement of the ghost of a gangster grandpa -- how can you beat that? Thanks so much for stopping by my blog to spread the good word.

(And hi, Amy!)

tia said...

Oh, my god. It WORKS. I'm still going grey, still wrinkly, but not a single zit in the month since I started using this stuff (and I *always* get hormone zits). And I don't even mind the old lady smell.

THANK YOU.