Wednesday, August 18, 2010

From your Boccalone to God's ears

Boccalone

Hi. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and my livelihood and I've decided to let you in on a little secret. I want to get paid for writing. Because shouldn't we all get paid for what we do best? For instance, I have a brother who is really amazing at spinning stuff on his index finger. I feel like someone should pay him to do that. And while I know that what I offer is not nearly as physically nourishing as Tasty Salted Pig Parts (see above), I think my blog does offer a kind of nourishment for the soul. Yes? Maybe?

(As an aside, we passed by this little shop, Boccalone, in the Ferry Building in San Francisco a few weeks ago. We didn't partake because we don't eat pork, but I like that when you go there, you know exactly what you're getting. And, incidentally, boccalone means big mouth, I think, in Italian American slang. You'll be needing your boccalone later on in the post).

I put this little message out into the universe a few years ago (about getting paid to write) and ended up with a copy writing job at Shutterfly which I didn't know at the time would be a first step toward starting my business and fulfilling my dream of being a working artist. So that's all good. Thanks universe.

But I'm understanding now that I needed to be more specific about the kind of writing for which I would like to be paid. I want to be paid money for writing this blog. Not that I want YOU to pay me money because lord knows none of us has any money. Seriously. But there are companies out there with a lot of money or even a little money and they should pay me because even though I don't get much traffic over here, my posts have above average grammar. This is something that many other blogs do not offer. Trust me.

Or maybe I could submit some of my funnier posts with a pitch for a BOOK to a publisher. How novel! A blogger that wants to write a book! That's just what the world needs! And how does one submit to publishers anyway? Just look up the address and send along a package? Would I need an agent? Maybe I should start with a magazine column? Self-publishing? A blog? YES! Maybe I'll write a blog! Wait.

I wish I could muster up some spirit, drive and enthusiasm on the subject but it all seems kind of big, daunting and impossible. I think that waiting for someone to find me would be more my style. I hang around and write little vignettes and you, marketer/publisher/editor, happen upon my work and we agree on a book concept and you write me a big check.

So while I'm waiting for that, here's what you can do, loyal reader:
  1. Subscribe to the blog, friends! It can only bring you joy and happiness. Just click the subscribe button and every post will come straight to your google reader or whatever your home page is. Then you don't have to rely on Facebook or check every five minutes to see if I've written anything new. You and your employer will thank me.
  2. Run up and down your street screaming my url. INNERTODDLER.COM If you do this without a shirt on it will really grab people's attention. You might also get arrested so be sure to tell everyone at the police department about the blog too. And if you're at the Mountain View Police Department, say hi to my friend Jill who works there.
  3. Call up the famous people in your life and let them know about me. A celebrity endorsement can go a long way. No doubt Tori Spelling or Nicole Ritchie could use some assurance that toddler erection (in a boy) is totally freaky normal. And all of those Hollywood Kabbalah junkies should certainly own at least one of my hamsas.
  4. Tell all of your publisher friends to come have a read. And mention that this blog ranks very high if not number one on several key search terms including, but not limited to, "toddler erection", "toddler mariachi costume" and "kiss my fannie mae".
  5. Send any of YOUR suggestions my way. I'll dedicate my book to you.
OK readers! Go forth! Spread the good word. Operators are standing by.

8 comments:

Everything's Rosie said...

okay, okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do what you say.

But FIRST...I have to go downstairs and have a bagel to get my creative juices going.

Lech lecha
Much mazal
Buena suerte

Anonymous said...

i'll pay you to write - just come back to shutterfly. who knows what dream of yours will come true next?

Anonymous said...

You inspire me Susie! I can feel the planets aligning RIGHT NOW to make your request a reality! Oh and I am in total agreement on the grammar comment. NOW stop reading and go WRITE :) -Shelley Fox-Ross

aimee said...

for the love of boccalone! if there's anyone who should be writing a book, it's you. you'll have to get past the distasteful "every blogger wants to write a book" stigma, true, but you can do it because you are not every blogger. in fact you are not a blogger, but a fine writer who gives us the gift of you via a blog. you are funnier than hell. you've made me close to incontinent a few times. your grammar IS above average. you blend your experiences and your art and that great stuff in your head into one of the finest word mashes i've ever read.

you belong on paper. get writing. and get paid for it.

p.s. now i know where that pig from chen's good taste wound up.

Inner Toddler said...

Oh Aimee. The pork artisans from Boccalone would scoff at that crazy glazed big carcass from Chen's Good Taste. Please.

That's an image that I will never get out of my head.

AG Ambroult said...

Ok, #1,done.
#s 2-5 gonna work on those...promise.

I imagine myself reading your book in bed at night, trying not to wake my husband with my laughing out loud. Can't wait.

Hope the universe answers soon. Good luck!

laamie said...

here's a site that my uncle sent to me..it's a one-stop publishing thing-a-majig...or something...

http://www.duotrope.com/index.aspx

i haven't ever used it, but he has, and gets published all over the place. i also just heard an inspirational story in which a budding writer starts her career but sending an article to the new york times..just like that.
why not?
Susie, you are 10 times the talent of other writers out there!

Lori said...

I agree with Aimee. You do belong on paper. So I am going to do my part. I am now subscribed to your blog and I am taking my shirt off to run in the streets telling the world about inner toddler. And since I am so popular, and my breasts are so nice, expect a landslide to your blog shortly.